Okay, there may or may not be any actual shopping happening (although in this phase there likely is), but now that you’ve bothered to observe your triggers and allow for some feelings, you’re going to want to arm yourself with some tender, loving, possibly quite new ways of responding to yourself. You’re going to want to receive yourself the way a compassionate friend would. 

As a reminder, a compassionate response to: I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do, is not 

- Get over it.
- You’re making too big a deal of this.
-  A stronger person wouldn’t be so worried about all these things.
- There are way bigger problems in the world. 
- I wanted to get pregnant so I shouldn’t be upset about how I’m feeling.

No.

A compassionate way to respond would involve some warmth, kindness, and a reminder that you are not alone.

It would also allow for the transient nature of your feelings to shine through, as in, this is how you feel right now, not forever. Fun fact: an emotion typically runs its course in about 90 seconds; It’s the ruminative thinking that keeps the party going. 

So how does counseling get at this?

In its most simple form, counseling models the compassionate stance. You learn compassion by receiving it consistently and when you need it most.

Since you are doing your therapist the honor of sharing the thoughts you typically keep to yourself, you have the unique opportunity to get a witness. And in that space where you may judge your own feelings and think you are the only person on the planet in your situation, something different happens.

This person sitting before you doesn’t roll her eyes, tell you you’re a terrible person, and wish you good luck. She receives your hurt, validates the difficulty, and, in time, may gently invite a more balanced interpretation. 
She notices the critic in the room and doesn’t even need to squash her. She just asks if anyone else has an opinion to share, and that’s when your own wisdom and perspective gets to speak up. This is one example of how the scariness of vulnerability is matched by the comfort of being seen and accepted, just as you are. And then something different gets to happen.

This process is not unlike what you will do as a parent, a phase that is just around the corner, or already in play for those of you who are expecting or planning your next. The way our children learn that they are loved and safe is by having consistent, loving adults who can receive their feelings and experiences. This outside experience eventually is mirrored from within.

I know my clients have arrived at a place where there's room for compassion when they pause mid-sentence and say: “I’m not being very nice to myself right now.”

Then we open up to the compassionate friend. This opening is a skill to be practiced. 

So when your own inner mean girl pops up uninvited telling you how fat you look in those jeans and how lame you are for feeling overwhelmed, here are a few ways in and out of the therapy room you can reach out to your inner compassionate friend.

1. Actually pretend you are responding to someone you love tenderly, someone you wouldn’t want to see suffering.

Really. Bring forth the thought of such a person. Grab a pen, write it down.  I’ll wait. . . Okay, now imagine this person you love dearly is saying what you’re saying: 

I am tired all the time and my house is a mess. I’m the worst wife ever because I’m neglecting my husband, and I keep dropping the ball at work too. I feel like I’m failing at everything.

How would you respond? Would it sounds something like.

Oh hon, I can’t do anything when I’m feeling tired. I can imagine how hard it must be to feel that     way so often. You are being so hard on yourself because you care deeply about you relationship and your work. But you haven’t been fired from either, so ease up on yourself girlfriend. Do what you can. 

Now, consider that you are just a person who you don't want to see suffering, and practice turning this inward. 

2. Practice the Self-Compassion break.

This is my all time favorite tool from Kristin Neff, the Godmother of Self Compassion. In its most simple form it goes like this.:

Thinking about a situation that’s difficult, like a level 5 on a scale from 1-10 difficult (you don’t want to overwhelm yourself while you’re learning), and then placing a hand gently on your heart, your cheek, or anywhere else that’s comforting and saying some form of this. 

This is a moment of suffering,
and suffering is part of life,
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.


Or, check out this 5-minute facilitated practice. 

3. Name it to Tame it. Labeling what you’re feeling - in and of itself - can actually calm your system. This is another benefit to therapy, as you have some assistance with the naming, but you can certainly do it yourself.

When you start thinking about whether or not you are going to go back to work after baby comes and are suddenly weeping and googling and deciding that you’re f*&$ed either way, try this. Pause. PAUSE. And try to name the feeling.

You’re feeling SCARED that you aren’t going to figure out the right answer. You are feeling OVERWHELMED by this upcoming transition. 

Don't worry about doing anything with your observation. Just describe the feeling and let your nervous system rest in its experience of being understood. 

4. Breathe. I wanted this to be number one, but I was afraid you’d stop listening. But do this first. Breathe, into your belly, and out slowly. You got this, mama. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at [email protected] or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

Raise your hand if you've ever criticized yourself for having to sneeze. Oh, I'm sorry, did that sound ridiculous? 

Okay, raise your hand if you've ever criticized yourself for not being able to "get over" something, for not being tough/kind/flexible/resilient/giving enough, for simply, as the kids say "feeling your feels." 

Lots of virtual hands and nods, I know. Because it's our shared experiences. 

Today I'm going to talk to you about a few ways we respond to our stressors without necessarily knowing it. This will help you recognize the same or similar patterns in yourself. 

What we often don't realize is that the actual situation at hand and the way we are responding to it are two distinctly different things that happen to come in quick succession.

Being harsh on yourself about what just happens to be happening is both unfair and unhelpful.

We already talked about how pregnancy can offer a sometimes heightened sense of your feelings and how that can be useful if you can work with it. Part of that process involves getting to know your style of relating to your stress, which may include one of these three patterns.

A trigger shows up, BAM. Do you :

1. Try to ignore it or numb out (via work, television, substances)? When we do this we often overflow later (hello rage, anxiety, panic) for a seemingly unrelated reason. Or we may act passive aggressively. 

Elise just told Mila, who she considers a close friend that she’s 14 weeks pregnant and Mila barely registered a response, much less an enthusiastic one. Elise feels a momentary heavy feeling spread across her chest and then one second later changes the subject. In the car, she talks on the phone non-stop, and once home binge watches her favorite show Her husband arrives with takeout, but forgot Elise’s favorite item and she yells at him for being totally selfish and unsupportive. Oh, and she “accidentally” leaves Mila off her shower list. 

2. Notice you’re upset and then swiftly internally judge or berate yourself for it? 

Lorraine is 38-weeks pregnant and her mother-in-law just had the brilliant idea to come for a month-long visit, to be here for the arrival and to help in the first few weeks. Lorraine loves her MIL, but finds her to be a bit intrusive and judgmental. She knows clearly that this plan is a bad fit for her, but can’t shake the thoughts “This is such a generous offer, I must be so mean for wanting to turn it down, “I am so selfish for wanting these last few weeks for me and hubs and then for us and the baby.” 

3. Become all-consumed by the stressor, making it hard to tend to anything else? In this case, the internal message seems to be "If I think about this long enough the answer will appear," when really ruminating can be quite immobilizing. This is the type of relating to stress that is often present in those who have anxiety and/or depression - often with the addition of guilt and shame. It's painful. 

Sarah is excited to have become pregnant after close to a year of trying. She was excited for all of five minutes before starting to worry about labor. She looked some things up on the internet to ease her mind and it led her to have more questions. What will labor be like? Do I want an epidural or not? How am I ever going to do this? And then, how am I going to take care of this baby? In an almost trance-like state, she read and googled and thought and thought, and in an attempt to help herself feel better through information, she stopped engaging with friends and other interests. 

Any of these sound familiar to you?

​While they are all different, what these styles have in common is that there is a fundamental rejection of allowing for the feeling. And that rejection is causing more pain.

One benefit of counseling during pregnancy is that you get to identify your unique way of responding to your stressors, which can be so illuminating in and of itself. But there's also a bonus: You then get to choose a more helpful response. 

The next installment will focus on some options there - ones you certainly can use even if you don't make it into the therapy room! 

For right now, for this moment, go ahead and try this: Place one hand on your heart (another on your belly, if you wish). Feel the warmth this simple gesture creates. Rest in that warmth for just a moment.

Listen. Until you know that there are options for how you can respond to stress, life is going to feel like it’s happening to you instead of you feeling like you’re living your life, with a balanced combo of pleasant, neutral, and difficult experiences. 

Which would you prefer?

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at [email protected] or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

​I recently shared several ways to know when counseling during pregnancy may be right for you. I wanted to write you a short list of why pregnancy is the absolute perfect time to seek counseling. I wanted it to be cute and catchy. I failed.

It’s too important y’all. Why? Because if you’re reading this you are either in the process of, or considering bringing a new little human being into this world. It’s the start of a miraculous marathon and you will get pooped the f___ out, period.

But if you warm up, pace yourself, and anticipate obstacles, you’ll be in a better position for the long haul, to avoid injury, if you will. 

So I’m fleshing it out, point by point, starting with benefit 1: 

You will get to know your triggers, which will help you, A, cope when they arise, or B, avoid them altogether. 

We're all swept into difficult emotions from time to time, be it sadness, worry, fear, anger, and even rage. 

During pregnancy you may notice that this happens more frequently or perhaps more, um...surprisingly - as in why do I feel like I could shoot fireballs out of my eyes when my partner forgets about our prenatal appointment? Or, why am I weeping behind my desk after my manager gives me a piece of constructive criticism? 

While hormones are a huge culprit in this heightened sensitivity, that doesn't mean there isn't useful information in your emotional experience. When you get intentional about paying attention, patterns emerge. 

Let's go back to weeping behind your desk. You explore the reaction, noticing your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. When you got the feedback you felt ashamed and defeated, your heart felt heavy and you thought "I am incompetent." You start noticing other times this has come up for you, and get to work disentangling the experience, and finding a more balanced view.

Perhaps you had a critical parent, a one-time humiliating school experience, or have a long time propensity towards perfectionism that never went challenged because it served you in some way(s). 

Regardless of the reason, with some effort towards compassionately bringing awareness to your experience, being consumed by feelings if inadequacy transforms into something like "sometimes getting feedback triggers feelings of defeat and incompetence.” 

Now you have a bite sized piece to work with. 

Perhaps naming it takes away half it’s power. Maybe you do a strengths search and identify the times you had a strong sense of feeling competent. Or you learn how to bring loving touch to your body in that moment and let the wave pass.

Just like that you have options. Which one is right for you is to be determined. That’s why starting the conversation is key. 

In addition to learning what you need when in the face of your triggers, there may be some that you avoid altogether.

No, you can’t necessarily avoid feedback at work (nor would that help your larger need for growth, right?), but perhaps you have some toxic relationships that you’ve been having trouble drawing boundaries around, and now feels like a good time.

Or you notice some of your triggers are not people or settings, but sensations, such as being hungry. You don’t like that she-devil or anxious-annie who appears when you’ve waited too long to eat, so you learn to gnosh every couple hours, or whatever suits your mind-body needs. 

While avoidance as a defense mechanism can be unhealthy, avoiding things that are actually harmful to us is excellent self-preservation, for yourself and your growing baby.

Your objective during this time-limited, opportune phase is to figure out what you are better off living without and what you choose stay in contact with, but relate to differently.

The next installment will discuss more about not what is happening, but how you are relating to it (spoiler alert: you have options there too!)

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at [email protected] or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

Pregnant or not, the decisions to seek counseling can feel like quite the inner-battle. You are feeling overwhelmed, worrying about the same things over and over, and your stressors are outweighing your current coping mechanisms. 

You’ve thought about seeking counseling for months, maybe years, but actually doing it feels next to impossible. 

And yet, everyone you talk to who sees a therapist (if they’re willing to share) says it’s been a game changer. The line I’ve heard most over the years is “Why doesn’t everyone do this”? Also common: “I wish I’d come sooner.”

I’m not going to try to convince you, because I know you need to exercise your right to choose what’s best for you. I know my own voice of I-don’t-wanna is strong, and I have to honor her position (though do try not to give her the last word too often).

BUT it is my passion to inform women of their choices,  big and small, and feel strongly that being emotionally empowered while walking the reproductive path is crucial. 

It can mean difference between feeling connected versus isolated, self-compassionate versus guilt-stricken, and resourced versus confused about what or who can help during the time(s) you need it most. 

Okay, so how do you choose whether counseling is right for YOU? 

Now that you’re pregnant - or even if you are planning to be soon - therapy or supportive counseling may be helpful if you: 

1. are only thinking/worrying/ruminating about pregnancy OR doing everything in your power not to.
2. have risk factors for Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADS)*
3. have been pregnant and/or given birth to a baby before and you have some lingering feelings of disappointment or disempowerment by the experience.
4. your difficulty focusing is getting in the way of your "to do" list and you feel accountability will help.
5. like the idea of establishing trust with a professional who can be part of the support team postpartum IF needed (spoiler alert: counseling can be a protective factor for PMADS). 
6. are a human woman who has a hunch that it may be helpful to access more support during one of the most life-altering times in your life.

*Risk factors include: 

• family and/or personal History of PMADS, 
• history of mood disorders; personal or family history of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, or OCD􏰂; 
• significant mood reactions to hormonal changes (e.g., with puberty, PMS, hormonal birth control, pregnancy loss); 
• endocrine dysfunction (e.g., history of thyroid imbalance or other endocrine disorders); 
• decreased fertility􏰂; 
• social factors such as inadequate social support, interpersonal violence, financial stress/poverty

Does any of this resonate with you? I'll be adding more in coming weeks about the specific benefits you gain during this unique and time-limited experience, but if you're ready, go ahead make that call. (More on finding a therapist here, here, and here). 


Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at [email protected] or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

Want lots more education about PMADS and access to maternal mental health support anywhere in the country and beyond? Check out Postpartum Support International!

This post original appeared on Happy With Baby and is updated here with a few extra resources:

I love the idea of knowledge as power. When I was pregnant with my now 7-month-old son, I thrived on learning the functions of my symptoms.
Nausea meant the hormones sustaining my pregnancy were strong and present. Ligament pain and achey feet told me my body was adapting to carrying new and different weight. Sore hips and wobbly knees said the hormone relaxin was doing its job to open my body up in preparation for labor.

Somehow, even though these experiences were unpleasant, it wasn't hard to appreciate them as living proof that things were exactly as they should be.

While far more intense (understatement alert), the same framework was a huge support through labor and delivery.

So imagine how disempowering it felt to have a brand new baby at home while going through things that were as elusive as they were intense. Like so many women, I had prepared to have my baby, but I didn't feel prepared to have a baby.

Side-by-side with the experience of falling in love with this plump little boy was the reality of long crying jags, nursing marathons, and an overwhelming sense that I was doing everything wrong - that perhaps someone else would be more competent to be in charge, because my intuition seemed to have snuck off to take that nap that the rest of me was stubbornly fighting.

But alas, I live not only to tell, but to reflect on some important pieces of information I wish I had been armed with before the little dude joined the team. I want every new mama (particularly those of the I-can-do-it-all-myself-ilk) to not only be able to say “It's not me, it's one of these experiences,” but also to be able to help identify them with other moms.

Connection is power too (second understatement in two minutes). Let's get started.

1) Growth Spurts/Cluster feeding OR “Good luck getting off the couch because every time you stop nursing the baby loses his ever loving mind until you put him back on.” 

Also called “bunch feeding,” this phenomenon -- when baby wants to nurse more than what is typical for him, whether that's every hour or every five minutes -- usually happens somewhere toward week two, then every two to three months in the first year. It may happen more in the evening, when milk supply is naturally lower. For me, it was an all day affair.

It's easy to feel stuck during these times, both literally and figuratively, when you're the only one equipped to do this marathon feeding. Some women describe these phases as feeling overwhelming, irritating, and tiring.  

With the intensity it brings, it can be easy to forget to nourish your own body. I know even when I had the foresight to set up a little station for myself with water, snacks, phone, and remote, I  would get so sidetracked by the baby's cries that I would plop down to nurse inevitably just out of reach of my goods. It was a sad sight to see, me staring longingly at that bowl of pirate's booty, so close, yet so far away.

But here's the thing. Because breastfeeding is a supply and demand business, cluster feeding is thought by lactation experts to serve as a supply-booster. This is not to say your supply is low! Many women think this is the case, and that can trigger stress, but it's often not the reality. Your baby is likely going through or is on the verge of  a growth spurt and needs more calories to meet his growing needs. 

He needs more. You produce more. It's an effective, albeit crazy-making little system.

Hard as it may be, try to remember the temporary nature of these megafeasts and the amazing function they serve. Getting some good recommendations for shows to binge-watch on Netflix probably won't hurt either. As there are pauses from feeding, let someone else be in charge, and grab a change of scenery, preferably one involving fresh air. 

Find more information on cluster feeding and all things breastfeeding related here and/or check out the book Breastfeeding Made Simple (the only book on the matter you'll ever need, in my humble opinion).

2) Wonder Weeks OR “Who stole my relatively even-tempered babe and replaced him with this screaming monster.”

Just as physical growth spurts lead to some fussiness and an increase in appetite, cognitive growth spurts - when babies are becoming oriented to the world in a new way, learning new skills, and making “mental leaps” - they have a really hard time of it. This often manifests as an increase in crying and clinging, suddenly and perhaps uncharacteristically.

I picture it being for babes a bit like when you pop those glasses on to watch a 3D movie and what was once flat is suddenly protruding within an inch of your nose. But you're under two feet tall, were content to hang in a warm, dark, insulated room for nine months, and did not ask to see this movie. 
 
The first of these leaps happens around week five, but not knowing this at the time, I just thought I suddenly had a baby who permanently wouldn't fall asleep and who would cry and require someone to walk him around for the rest of his life.

My arms hurt, my back spasmed and I ached for sleep. I plodded through our days barely keeping it together, and when I exerted myself beyond our norm -- specifically to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday, I fell apart. 

Midway through dinner, one that my brother had flown across the country to attend as a surprise, the tears spilled over.  I excused myself and made it an early evening. (In a fun twist of events, the baby slept peacefully through the entire dinner). 

The whole leap lasted all of a few days, but it felt like an eternity, one in which I re-imagined my whole life being harder. As the clouds parted, we were greeted by baby's first social smile (There is always a prize at the end of the leap, be it a new skill or a higher level of alertness)

These phases continue for the first couple years and are so predictable that you can actually download an app and plug in your little one's due date to generate a schedule of when these so-called leaps are set to happen. This can bring solace in and of itself. Baby screaming out of nowhere? Check the app, learn what baby's working on, and when you might anticipate the more peaceful time in the near future.

Access the book, app, and general Wonder Week Information here.

3) Supersized Self-Doubt OR “I Thought I Was A Somewhat Together Person Why Can't I Do All This. 

The above shared experiences are specific to baby's growth and the impact it can have when you don't know what's happening. But let's talk about the sum total of these first days of new mama business. Let's focus solely on you. 

Your hormones are still fluctuating, you're healing from the process of giving birth, and sleep feels like a thing of the past. The sound of your baby's cry feels like it is piercing your soul. And yet you may not have showered, eaten, run a comb through your hair. Your house is a mess and you may be snapping at the people around you. You have so many needs to be met, yet you feel like you should be able to do it all – and, dare I say, with a smile on your face.

I call an extra bulls*&% on this particular should and let me explain why.

During one of my exhausted self-doubty moments, I called a dear family friend who also happens to be a retired labor and delivery nurse. She had availed herself to me countless times, and the I-got-this part of me had yet to reach out. This was a moment of surrender. 

“Hi Shana,” she answered the phone. I squeaked out a hello. “How are you doing”? I somehow managed a short description of a difficult few days before the weeping started. “Would you like me to just talk”? She asked. I sniffed out a small yes. 

She described her own experience as a new mom, decades ago, walking in circles in her apartment with her inconsolable baby. She shared some of her education about baby's underdeveloped nervous systems that simply grow with time (So here's a bonus, it's not you, it's baby's underdeveloped nervous system). She mirrored the difficulty of this first phase, which was helpful enough, but then her voice got firm and she said this:

“You know, back in the day, young women gave birth and their elders took care of the baby. That was the norm.”

Lightbulb. 

I suddenly remembered studying various present-day cultures all around the world in which there are people who care for the mom and/or her new baby for the several weeks postpartum, allowing mom to heal and bond with the baby without having to tend to anything else. To not have this is a modern American cultural norm (one that hangs alongside our dismal maternity leave policies), not personal deficit!

Something melted in me in that moment. The enormity of what I was doing became crystal clear, and the parts of me I felt were lacking were filled with compassion and perspective. I walked into the living room where my baby boy was hanging with his dad, and that compassion and perspective enveloped them as well. 

Think of the sayings, “No man is an island,” and “It takes a village.” Well, I say “No woman is a village,” and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be. So perhaps the function of the overwhelm is to remind us to let our people in to help out. 

If you are having trouble accessing your network or need to expand it further, there are people out there who can help! Postpartum Support International is a great starting point that can lead you to local resources. 

For you San Francisco mamas, Natural Resources is an outstanding resource, and, of course, I can help too!

Remember, when things feel tough, it's not you, it's the enormous experience of sustaining a new life. 

Yours in wellness, self-care and compassion,

Shana
​
​Think I may be the right fit for you or a loved one? Feel free to email me at [email protected] or call 415-963-3546 for a free 20-minute consultation call.

To the mama who is having a hard time, listen close. You ready?

You might feel alone when you are in these exhausting new days of motherhood, which challenge your capacity for everything. You might feel very alone if you are experiencing a flat, depressed mood for weeks, anxious thoughts that keep you from getting that tiny touch of sleep available, and/or that naggy voice telling you that you are doing a bad job, that your baby doesn't like you, that you aren't cut out for this after all.

And you might feel real real alone if you are keeping those experiences to yourself. Because isolation is the breeding ground for unchecked critical self-talk and shame. And of course loneliness.

But YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are connected to every single woman who came before you and walks beside you in this world. Your maternal experience – the wonderful and the challenging – is shared across humanity. And your suffering -that ache that feels attached to you and only you - is shared as well. Maternal mental health disorders are thought to touch 15-20% of pregnant/postpartum women, and that of course only includes those willing to share their experiences.

And there are people who want to connect with you, to support you through this time.

But if I was just stronger, smarter, . . . If I was just more capable, adaptable. . .If I had a better attitude, diet. . .If I hadn't made this or that decision . . . If I was a different person I wouldn't be having these problems in the first place.

Hold on mama, cause YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Your hormones and brain chemistry are on the wildest ride of their lives. Sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture and you've been enduring it for a while now. You may have been raised with the belief that asking for help is weak, or encountered life circumstances that led you to rely solely on yourself. Perhaps you have a partner who doesn't yet know how to be of support. Oh, and you have just carried and delivered a human baby into this world, forever changing life as you knew it.

You're having a hard time not because of who you are, but because of an enormous, intense and complicated constellation of factors. It is so completely not your fault.

But what if I feel this way forever?

You won't. Anxiety is so uncomfortable that 30 seconds seems long. Depression has a heavy quality that gives the perception that time is moving slowly. Worrying about the livelihood of your child for a second feels like a second too long. But it's gonna pass, mama, it will. You gotta tend to you, because WITH HELP YOU WILL BE WELL. The first step is let someone know what's happening for you. Then the options are vast – support groups, therapy, medication, education, accessing your current and building new resources . . . 

You've been doing some heavy lifting. It's time to rest up and let others help hold you. You matter so much sweet mama, even on your darkest days.

"You are not alone. You are not to blame With help you will be well." is the key message shared with women and men around the globe by Postpartum Support International ~ www.postpartum.net. 1.800.944.4773